The Husband and I are preparing to take a cruise for our anniversary this year. Since I have an irrational fear of being completely disconnected from work, I was reading through the shipboard internet options to see how feasible it is to periodically check my work emails during our vacation.
I came across this polite-but-snarky blurb that demonstrates the cruise line’s obvious frustration with people who complain about dumb things. It’s like if someone were to gift you an expensive Lamborghini and the first thing you do is look at at and go, “Oh.. hmmm… gray? I would’ve preferred it in red.” Well, then, let’s just overlook the fact that it’s worth over 1.6 million dollars and takes 3.3 seconds to reach 60 mph, and focus on the fact that you’d rather have it in a different color.
Not that someone ever tried to give me a Lamborghini. But you get my point.
SO anyway, I’ve pasted below what the website actually says about the internet connection on cruise ship, and then taken the liberty of putting my own interpretation of how that really translates out.
What they say (emphasis mine):
NOTE: Internet access via satellite is a significantly different experience than high-speed connections on shore. Onboard Internet access is not guaranteed at all times due to the nature of satellite communications, which are subject to occasional disruptions due to weather patterns and location.
Accessing E-mail and the Internet in the middle of the world’s oceans is a triumph of cutting edge satellite technology. Our investment into this technology matches some of the most prestigious companies in the world, but even so it cannot be as fast as your home broadband. This is because the data must be transmitted over a slower wireless signal to satellites 22,000 miles above the Earth, which then bounce the data back down to the exchange. At home the data is sent down your fast cable connection to your local exchange, just around the corner from your house.
What they really mean:
Stop complaining that your internet is slow. We know it’s slow. WE’RE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED. Consider yourself lucky that we’ve discovered how to transmit data thousands of miles into outer space and back — but still, it’s electromagnetic waves, not magic. Look, if you wanted fast internet instead of, say, a cruise experience, then maybe you shouldn’t have come on board. This is a miracle of science so shut your trap and go buy yourself an overpriced drink. We have lots of those.
Why don’t we just pull the Captain off his (or her) duties navigating the ship and have him get right on fixing the internets for you. He doesn’t have anything more important to do, really.
Louis C.K. says it best: “How quickly the world owes you something that you didn’t know existed two seconds ago.”
