The Kansas City Zoo has a program to sell composted animal manure to the public. This program is called, aptly, “Zoo Manoo.”
So you understand where I’m coming from with the title for this Flashback Friday blog post.
Canoe Manoo: AKA The World’s Shittiest Canoe Float.
The year was 2013. The Husband and I went up to Iowa to celebrate the 4th of July. Baby A-man took his first ever flight at just 5 months old.
And then there was the canoe float.
We had some friends from Arizona also fly to Iowa to celebrate the 4th, and participate in their first-ever canoe float (which, coincidentally, was also their last-ever canoe float). Rounding out the group was The Husband’s brother and sister, their significant others, and two other couples.
I was nursing A-man at the time, but the float was only supposed to last 2-3 hours, so I’d be fine without pumping. I handed him off to Grandma with an extra couple bottles just in case, and the group of us proceeded to the canoe rental place.
Getting the canoes on the water went without incident. Because this float was planned for a relatively short period of time, we had a handful of beers, virtually no drinking water, and ZERO snacks.
WE DIDN’T PACK SNACKS OR WATER. WHAT WERE WE THINKING.
Oh, that’s right, we were thinking it was only going to be a couple hours.
Guess how many hours our canoe float took?
SIX.
SIX. HOURS. The universe threw literally every possible obstacle at us.
First, it was the lack of wind. This meant that we were drifting very slowly, with plenty of opportunity for the gnats to swarm our faces and our bodies like we were a buffet in the desert. We did pack bug spray but it was completely ineffectual.
Then, it was the portage sites. Despite the water level being fairly high, a recent storm had brought in a ton of debris, and every 45 minutes we had to stop and carry our canoes around whatever obstacle was blocking the river.
And I’ve mentioned that the water level was fairly high. Well, this is Iowa, so as you might imagine the river winds its way through a fair amount of farms and cattle grounds. Which means there is wire fencing strung across the river in multiple spots. But wait – that’s not just regular old fencing, that’s electrified fencing designed to keep the cattle from straying. And the river was just high enough that our canoes could not pass easily under it without the occupants playing a high-stakes game of limbo. If you lost? A very uncomfortable zap.
After a while the wind started to pick up. The good news was this meant the gnats went away. The bad news was the wind was blowing against us, so our pace went from slow to backwards. We now had to paddle.
At this point, we’re about 3 hours into the float. This is an hour past the time the entire trip was supposed to take, we have just hit the halfway point, and now we must actively canoe ourselves down the river.
It is also at this point we realize we are very hungry and thirsty.
By hour 5, I’ve developed a severe dehydration migraine and my boobs are painfully full of milk. The entire last half of the trip is just a single-minded mission to reach the end.
To recap:
- Unending swarms of gnats
- Paddling against the wind
- Ducking under electrified fence
- Having to portage canoes every 45 minutes
- An extra 4 hours of trip we hadn’t planned for
We, um, made it, but from this point on I don’t think anyone would blame us if we maybe overpack snacks and water the next time we go on a float trip. Whenever that is… it’s been 9 years and we haven’t re-attempted yet.
But it makes for a good story, no?
