• RemoteDance

    Trick my Truck

    April 25, 2009 - By 

    A little over a year ago, my husband and I purchased a Ford F-350, King Ranch edition. It takes diesel fuel, has a leather interior, and can haul 15,000 pounds down the freeway at 80 miles an hour. It also comes with a handy catalog where I can buy (were I so inclined) pricey furniture in the form of cow hide sofas and antler chandeliers. My husband has been dreaming up ways to improve the thing since about 2 days before we even signed the purchasing paperwork. The latest project is a lift kit. For months, he has been asking…

  • RemoteDance

    The cat is on a diet

    April 25, 2009 - By 

    My cat is fat. Although, personally, I prefer to call it “extra fluffy.” Anyway, because my sweet little baby has a belly that wobbles back and forth as she runs, she has been on a diet… for a year. And she has not lost any weight. I believe this is primarily because she is lazy. It doesn’t matter if you only eat a quarter cup of food a day if all you do is sleep and lick yourself. Recently I had to take her to the vet for her annual vaccinations. We had the following conversation. Vet: You have a…

  • RemoteDance

    Twinkle, Twinkle

    April 14, 2009 - By 

    Last night we decided to leave the windows open and take advantage of the mild spring weather. With the lights off in the house, we had a nice view of the yard and sky outside. Gazing out across the night sky, I remarked to Chris, “Look, honey, you can see the stars! That one right there is especially bright. Maybe it’s a planet.” Chris, ever the disbeliever, remarked, “yeah, a planet… OR, an airplane. Or a streetlight.” “Hey,” I exclaimed, “I am not RETARDED!” I was pretty sure I could tell the difference between the stars and the streetlights. Chris…

  • Marriage - RemoteDance

    Right and Wrong

    April 7, 2009 - By 

    The past few months, we’ve gotten lots of helpful advice from well-wishers wanting us to have a long and happy marriage. Three of the most common were: Don’t go to bed angry. Learn to compromise. Apologize when you’re wrong (and sometimes even when you’re right). A few months ago, my lovely husband and I had been discussing the current state of the lawn. I mentioned that we should probably try and get the dog to pee on the dirt, because it was turning the lawn brown in one corner. Chris looked at me like I was crazy. “Dog pee does…

  • RemoteDance

    Ya mon, no problem

    April 4, 2009 - By 

    In reality, we were very lucky that it didn’t rain on our wedding day. Not that there’s anything we could have done about it anyway… as a wise local cab driver once said to us, “There is no special time for the rain.” For us, that “special time” was exactly twenty-four hours after our wedding. Had we been married at the same time on the following day, there would have been a downpour during the ceremony. Any disappointment I had harbored about the moderately overcast sky during our ceremony was instantly wiped out at the realization of how easily it…

  • RemoteDance

    Prank of the Century

    August 15, 0211 - By 

    … because that’s what good friends are for. We recently had some tenants vacate our rental house in Phoenix. Which is a very special story and you can read about it here and here, but what you need to know now is that, amongst the grime and broken furniture and non-functional cars and other trash that they left us, there was one really cool present: A giant stone tortoise. As in, this thing weighs like 300 pounds of poured concrete, tortoise. Well one of our friends, we call him Sleepy E, he secretly liked the tortoise and wanted it for…