• RemoteDance

    Thanks for the gift…

    May 8, 2009 - By 

    To Whom It May Concern: We would like to thank you for your excellent choice in wedding gifts. The glasses will come in very handy for beverage consumption. Our Labrador retriever, Chloe, has already field-tested them, and they hold up well in rugged outdoor conditions. Not that we ever expect to throw them down on the grass and roll them around the yard, or chew on them, but if we ever did, we know that these glasses would remain both unbroken and unscratched after a long day of such activities. You see, when the mail person delivers our packages, it…

  • RemoteDance

    That old joke about light bulbs

    May 4, 2009 - By 

    Q: How many grown men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Apparently, seven, if beer is involved. It was a relaxing Saturday evening, and we were at a friend’s house for a Cinco de Mayo party. The boys were playing their favorite game, “washoes,” which is basically a cross between horseshoes and sandbags, only it involves astroturf and giant washers. The sun was setting, and the guys needed more light for their game. They turned on the outside flood lights, but quickly discovered that the crucial game-illuminating light was not working. They all clustered around the defective…

  • RemoteDance

    Thugs – 0, Marching Band – 2

    April 30, 2009 - By 

    A 17-year-old girl made the local paper for defending herself against two would-be muggers. The article states that the teenager was walking to school when – suddenly – she was grabbed from behind by two men who demanded her money. (Now, why they thought a high school girl in a middle-class neighborhood would walk around with a bunch of cash is beyond me.) So this girl, ever the quick thinker, hit the first guy with a quick strike to the nose, and kicked the second guy in the crotch. Oh, and did I mention she was in the marching band?…

  • RemoteDance

    Trick my Truck

    April 25, 2009 - By 

    A little over a year ago, my husband and I purchased a Ford F-350, King Ranch edition. It takes diesel fuel, has a leather interior, and can haul 15,000 pounds down the freeway at 80 miles an hour. It also comes with a handy catalog where I can buy (were I so inclined) pricey furniture in the form of cow hide sofas and antler chandeliers. My husband has been dreaming up ways to improve the thing since about 2 days before we even signed the purchasing paperwork. The latest project is a lift kit. For months, he has been asking…

  • RemoteDance

    The cat is on a diet

    April 25, 2009 - By 

    My cat is fat. Although, personally, I prefer to call it “extra fluffy.” Anyway, because my sweet little baby has a belly that wobbles back and forth as she runs, she has been on a diet… for a year. And she has not lost any weight. I believe this is primarily because she is lazy. It doesn’t matter if you only eat a quarter cup of food a day if all you do is sleep and lick yourself. Recently I had to take her to the vet for her annual vaccinations. We had the following conversation. Vet: You have a…

  • RemoteDance

    Twinkle, Twinkle

    April 14, 2009 - By 

    Last night we decided to leave the windows open and take advantage of the mild spring weather. With the lights off in the house, we had a nice view of the yard and sky outside. Gazing out across the night sky, I remarked to Chris, “Look, honey, you can see the stars! That one right there is especially bright. Maybe it’s a planet.” Chris, ever the disbeliever, remarked, “yeah, a planet… OR, an airplane. Or a streetlight.” “Hey,” I exclaimed, “I am not RETARDED!” I was pretty sure I could tell the difference between the stars and the streetlights. Chris…

  • Marriage - RemoteDance

    Right and Wrong

    April 7, 2009 - By 

    The past few months, we’ve gotten lots of helpful advice from well-wishers wanting us to have a long and happy marriage. Three of the most common were: Don’t go to bed angry. Learn to compromise. Apologize when you’re wrong (and sometimes even when you’re right). A few months ago, my lovely husband and I had been discussing the current state of the lawn. I mentioned that we should probably try and get the dog to pee on the dirt, because it was turning the lawn brown in one corner. Chris looked at me like I was crazy. “Dog pee does…

  • RemoteDance

    Ya mon, no problem

    April 4, 2009 - By 

    In reality, we were very lucky that it didn’t rain on our wedding day. Not that there’s anything we could have done about it anyway… as a wise local cab driver once said to us, “There is no special time for the rain.” For us, that “special time” was exactly twenty-four hours after our wedding. Had we been married at the same time on the following day, there would have been a downpour during the ceremony. Any disappointment I had harbored about the moderately overcast sky during our ceremony was instantly wiped out at the realization of how easily it…